Realities of COVID

** TW: Depictions of a Panic Attack **

Positive. 

How? I always followed guidelines. Positive. I wore my mask everywhere. Positive. What should I do? I don’t have a plan. Positive. I need a plan. Positive. I can’t breathe? Positive. Yep can’t breathe. Positive. Have I gotten others sick?! Positive. I’m making it worse. Positive. Can’t breathe. Positive. I’m going to be sick. Positive. Help. Positive. In. Positive. Out. Positive. Breathe. Positive. Positive. Positive.

To some people, testing positive for Covid may feel inevitable at this point, but for me it was still terrifying. With my asthma I’ve always feared it because of how bad the original variant can be, so anytime a new guideline came out I hopped right on it. I’m glad I did, because if I hadn’t I know my time in isolation would have been much worse physically. But mentally, it was still a huge challenge. The day I found out I had it, I panicked for an hour before I could finally function again. It was probably the most my anxiety had affected me in a while since I started taking medication. This was only the start though, and I had to prepare myself for a week where I would be stuck all by myself, alone with my thoughts. 

Once I had finally calmed down, I figured I would be fine. Obviously it would suck to be isolated, but I was lucky enough to be home and in my bedroom. However, when my first actual day of quarantine started, I realized how difficult it would actually be. As someone who lives every day with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I have certain rituals that I do every single day. I couldn’t follow these with a quarantine schedule. I couldn’t even make my comfort meal exactly how I like it, since I could not go to the kitchen myself and risk infecting my family. Things that seem so little to others were affecting me drastically, and it made me feel sick. Nothing was in my control anymore, and that drove me crazy. 

But, I knew something had to be done. While I was isolating for my physical health, I needed to remember my mental health was just as important. I actually started journaling, documenting how I felt at random moments of inspiration. It was something I’ve always really wanted to do, but I never had the time or motivation. I had plenty of time in isolation. This gave me at least a little bit of control back in my life, and gave me a new task I could perform everyday to my standards. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t make my life perfect again, but it made it easier to get up. It just proves that sometimes one tiny change can make a difference. It also really helps to get those intense emotions down when life feels so overwhelming. 

I made it through it. My Covid anxiety has gone down since, but it's still there. This pandemic has done a lot to everyone’s mental health. So please, take care of yourself. 

Resources: 

Journaling prompts: https://www.instagram.com/p/CUyJF0kA6Ng/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link 

Mindful Breathing Meditation: https://youtu.be/SEfs5TJZ6Nk