Are You Happy?

As my freshman year finishes, I’ve begun reflecting on the year. Though my transition to college was extremely rough, I feel that I’ve achieved some pretty good accomplishments. I’ve got pretty good grades, was able to get an on-campus job, joined clubs and organizations, and secured an internship this upcoming summer. Despite my accomplishments, I’ve wondered: Am I Happy?

The answer to this question is complicated. I want to be appreciative of my successes, but I can’t ignore the fact that I’ve been through some painful periods throughout my first year of college. While I’ve made friends and acquaintances, weekends in my dorm are painful and lonely and have me begging to take the Amtrak Northeast Regional train home. And within that, I’ve struggled to completely trust the people I’ve surrounded myself with for the past year. Whether that is because of me, them, or both of us is something that I still don’t understand. 

I’ve especially struggled throughout my second semester of my freshman year. Between toxic relationships and my own insecurities eating away at me, I felt that the only right place for me was my childhood bedroom. But even going home to my bedroom, which has now been renovated into a guest room, made me realize that the home that I grew up in for 10 years is no longer simply home, but a nostalgic place to spend short periods of time with family. It has been this second semester that has had me scrolling through transfer applications and tearing up on my phone to my mom, hoping that things will only get better soon.